The Bud Collins Report is scheduled to come out later this year and it will blow the lid off of steroid use in recreational and league tennis. As I sit here preparing this blog entry, I do so with a heavy heart and an extra large box of tissues, for I have learned my name will appear in the report.
First, I wish to offer my most sincere apologies to my current and former tennis teammates, my family, my friends, my customers, my 6th grade earth science teacher, my chisenbop tutor, my high school band director and the defensive football coordinator who attempted to coach my college men’s tennis team. I want those close to me to understand that I never intentionally took performance enhancing drugs to gain a competitive advantage. I would never knowingly take any action that would be considered cheating, but let’s set the record straight. I am guilty of taking steroids. I took them on two occasions.
My first experience with steroids was in high school and it remains a vivid and painful memory. It was suggested to me that steroids would make my allergy shots more effective. I asked for the steroids, and insisted they be administered in the arm instead of the rear. Afterall, I was a man and thought I could take the pain. OUCH!!! I cried like a baby!!! What an incredibly terrible decision. It was the most painful shot I have ever experienced. Never again!
A few years after the shot, I was recruited from the intramural tennis courts to play on the mens college tennis team. Was it raw talent that led me to that point or was it the steroid boost I received a few years earlier? I suppose we will never know the truth. I was, however, dominant in practice earning the #2 singles position and #1 doubles position on the tennis team. Karma unfortunately came and bit me square in the rear as I went my entire junior and senior season without winning a single match against any foe. Oh my…that Karma is one nasty fella.
My second experience with steroids came several years after college when I was playing league tennis in Atlanta. I was suffering from a severe case of poison ivy. I was told that steroids would help lessen the itching. I was desperate and again asked for steroids to be injected into my body. This time I immediately dropped my drawers and insisted it go in the fleshiest part of the rear. It still hurt like the dickens!
Shortly afterward, my ALTA teams went on to win several division titles and city championships. I did notice a performance increase in my game. My serve went from virtually no threat to down right cheesy overnight! (I proudly refer to it as the “Velveeta Serve.”) It hits upwards of 17+ MPH. However, today the guilt I feel from winning after taking the steroids clearly takes the luster off of the trophies and bag tags that adorn my office and tennis bag. I am genuinely remorseful and in the interest of full disclosure want to apologize to my past opponents as well as my future opponents and teammates. It needs to be in the open, I have been on the juice.
I know there will be hundreds of questions and perhaps a media frenzy around this startling revelation. Fear not, I will be holding a press conference when the Bud Collins report is released later this year. I will answer any and all questions to the fullest extent my lawyer allows. I will most likely not be able to comment on my charity doubles match with “The Rocket.” You’ll have to read the congressional hearing transcripts to get that information.
As for me, I just want to put this whole situation behind me, which by the way, is exactly where the shot needs to go if any of you are thinking of adding artificial sweeteners to your game.