Dishing the dirt…leaked excerpts from Agassi’s new book.(?)

Last week the tennis world was dealt an unexpected surprise as Andre Agassi’s publisher released a disturbing preview of Agassi’s autobiography.  It seems that one of the world’s most beloved players was a frequent user of crystal methamphetamine in the late 1990’s.

Our crack research staff has uncovered a source who claims to have met a person who is the cousin of a friend of a pizza delivery guy who has read an early draft of the autobiography.  This source reports to the mighty RACQUETY-YAK blog team that the usage of illegal drugs and subsequent weave of lies is just the tip of the iceberg.

If our source is accurate, on November 9th, when the autobiography “Open” goes on sale, we may learn more shocking revelations that promise to keep an army of ATP tour PR professionals busy for weeks.  In a rare move, the code of silence is broken and dirt is dished on many of Agassi’s contemporaries.   We have an exclusive preview of these revelations for our blog readers.

- In Chapter 3 we learn  Jim Courier was a poker buddy of Bruno Rebeu (Famous French Tennis Umpire).  Jim and Bruno regularly yukked it up at private monthly poker parties.  Bruno would introduce a disguised Courier to participants as “Harvey…Carrot top’s older brother.”

- In Chapter 5 it is unveiled that  Pat Cash  smuggled Cuban cigars to many major tournament executives in exchange for favorable draws, start times and court assignments.  He also enjoyed playing tennis in the buff.

- Chapter 7 supposedly reveals that  Stefan Edberg tortured kittens.  Who’d have thought?

- In Chapter 8 we learn Boris Becker listened to Shania Twain songs repeatedly on his walkman to mentally prepare for matches.

- Chapter 10 details  Michael Chang as a reputed ladies man.

- The 11th Chapter features claims that James Scott Connors secretly enjoyed bubble baths and pedicures the evening before big matches.

- Chapter 12 gives the lurid details of Ivan Lendl’s private hell.    He was stalked and referred to as “Man Candy” by supermodels Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cheryl Tiegs.  They pursued him relentlessly. (Apparently Chang wasn’t their type).

- Chapter 15 describes Gilbert as a hell of a coach in spite of his twisted hobbies.  We learn Gilbert was a serial peeper who documented his peeps on film.  Agassi describes Gilbert’s collection of images as quite “eclectic” but is most disturbed by his extensive collection of former Oakland Raider players and executives.

Assuming our source is correct, this autobiography is going to sizzle.  We can’t wait for November 9th and hope you enjoyed this exclusive preview of what may be coming.

Top unreported 2009 US Open stories

The 2009 US Open came to a close yesterday.  Arguably the most dramatic and unpredictable event in tournament history.  The feel good story of Kim Clijsters was nearly eclipsed by the stunning upset of Roger Federer by Juan Martin Del Potro.  We will fondly remember the run of the upstart American, Melanie Oudin as well as the shocking win of the US Mixed Doubles pairing of Carly Gullickson and Travis Parrott.

However, our crack research staff has uncovered several riveting stories that have gone unreported.  Today we plan to blow the lid off the top untold stories of the US Open.

#1 Juan Martin Del Potro powered by secret crush on Kim Clijsters.  After the stunning upset of the world’s number one, Juan Martin confessed that he drew extra focus and motivation by visualizing himself dancing with the woman’s champion at the US Open Champion’s Ball.  “I just kept thinking how fabulous it would be to perform the Argentine Tango with Kim.  That vision was the power behind my forehand today.” When told that the US Open does not have a Champion’s Ball like Wimbledon, Del Potro lost it.  He threatened to stuff a bleeping tennis ball down the bleeping throat of whoever canceled the ball.

#2  Dolce files for emancipation from Maria Sharapova.  According to his PR reps, he senses the decline of Maria’s career and has begun negotiating to join the Wozniacki team.

#3  Serena’s outburst was a carefully orchestrated PR move to help her gain easier access to talk shows for promoting her new book, “On the Line.”  Her PR firm, Uncouth-R-Us, was also busy this weekend with another high profile client, Kanye West.

#4  Melanie Oudin inks a huge endorsement deal with a Florida based web development company based on advise of her 16 year old boyfriend and business manager.  Neither of them realize until it is too late the name of the company that will appear on her shirt sleeves for the next 2 years is “Flash-in-the-Panhandle.”

#5  Project Runway mentor  Timothy Gunn rushed to Mount Sinai Medical Center with a sudden onset heart arrhythmia after seeing what Clijsters was wearing in the finals.

#6 Disheartened by state of American Men’s Tennis, tennis fan George Steinbrenner issues memo to USTA urging them to  loosen purse strings and acquire a star free-agent.

#7  ESPN used stimulous money to hire the bevy of sideline and studio reporters to cover the US Open.

#8  Novak Djokavic considers changing name to “Rudy Jeeter” so NY crowds will get behind him next year.

#9  In spite of Clijsters success, Justin Henin decides to stay retired after realizing a comeback would severely curtail her access to jelly donuts.

#10.  US Open officials openly wonder if the money they save by switching to Geico might be enough to build a roof to cover Ashe Stadium?

USTA warns players against using Twitter – Seriously?

The USTA has spoken.

“Thou Shall Not Tweet!”  (Or at least tweet responsibly)

What’s the true motivation behind this mandate?  We can only speculate, but speculate we will.

1.  Shot-Spot is jealous.  Not wanting to share the technology spotlight, Shot-Spot has threatened to go on strike if too many fans and players are making use of Twitter and not revering the technology that sent Mac-Cam into retirement.

2.  USTA afraid that US players may reveal secret information that gives opponents an advantage.  For instance, they do not want Roddick revealing he intends to play attacking, offensive tennis and rely on holding serve.  This type of game plan should be treated as a TRADE SECRET.

3.  They do not want Dementieva and the army of Russian women tweeting with cyrillic symbols.  It will be impossible to monitor what they are saying without hiring a translator.  They’d rather spend the money on some Pastrami on Rye and Golden Gooses.

4.  The NFL forbids it.  Since there are so many similarities between football players and tennis players, it only makes sense.  (Note:  NFL forbids it because they fear the average player will have at least 5 misspellings in a 152 character message.)

5.  When Dolce gets loose on Maria’s account, hard telling what kind of insider information will be spilled.  Plus Dolce has a bad cursing problem.

6.  They fear Djokavic tweeting: “Hee…hee…hee, I wasn’t really hurt.  Just needed a breather and the massage felt excellent.”

7.  They don’t want Roger receiving on-court tweets from Mirka asking him to pick up some Pampers on the way home.  Might be distracting.

8.  Serena’s tweets after a loss…HOLY CAMOLY! Makes Dolce’s tweets look like a fluffy puppy composed them.

9.  Azarenka tweets the same mantra over and over.  “Must…Grunt…Louder…Must…Grunt…Louder!”  Hard to believe she has 1000’s of followers, mostly teenage girls.

10.  Anyone reading tweets from Richard Williams may become immediately confused and disoriented.

What do you think?  Feel free to add your thought in the comments section below.

Guest Editorial: Brooklyn Decker

“Roger Federer is destroying my love life!”

I am sure many of your blog readers and tennis fans may not recognize me as the wife of Andy Roddick, but may know me as the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Covergirl.  It’s weird, in spite of the exposure,  I regularly attend tennis tournaments under the cloak of relative anonymity and not being recognized is puzzling to me.  Why all the cameras and attention are obsessively focused on Mirka makes almost no sense.  Afterall how many Sports Illustrated covers has she graced? It’s okay.  Really.  No jealousy here.  I mean I dress modestly so I won’t need to worry about linespeople, ball boys, and horny old Australian broadcasters starring at my chest throughout the entirety of Andy’s match.  One of these days I may spice it up.  Perhaps at the US Open, who knows?

Anyway, Andy and I were married this past April after dating for a year.  The prenup was favorable, so I figured, “what the heck…why not go for it?”  Plus the guy’s not too shabby in the bedroom.  The first few months of being newlyweds was AWESOME.  I was showered with flowers, jewelry, exotic travel and a love life that exceeded all expectations.  Then suddenly in early July my whole world changed.

After Andy’s heartbreaking loss to Federer in the Wimbledon final his mood darkened.  He just wanted to be alone.  He barely noticed me.  I tried swimwear, lingerie, even going topless.  Nothing worked.  Within a week he became more obsessed than ever with Roger and the quest to defeat him.  He upped his training to the point where he had no energy at the end of the day for me.

Then on July 24 a sudden renewed interest in me emerged.  Andy was buoyed by news of the Federer twins birth.  He sent a private text message to Roger congratulating him on the twins and even publicly congratulated him on his Twitter account.  But privately he wanted to up the ante.  He told me, “if Roger and Mirka can have twins, then we can do better.  Brooklyn you better get ready because tonight we are making triplets!”

Suddenly, Andy the lover, transformed into Andy the beast.  The love making became more physical than ever.  I had never seen Andy work so hard.  And good Lord, the sweat.  I mean it was literally pouring off of him.  The salt was stinging my eyes and the bedding was completely soaked.  I have never witnessed anything like it.  Sheets of perspiration began cascading off of the bed and forming salt-water pools capable of sustaining ocean life on the bedroom floor.  And it would only get worse.  Andy replaced our  evening sessions once filled with wine and chocolates with electrolyte beverages and energy bars.  Each night.  Every night.  All____Night____Long!!!!

He remains obsessed with the idea of defeating Roger on court and off the court.  Each morning he asks me to take a pregnancy test.  He wants triplets and is getting more and more demanding as his obsession grows.  The positions are becoming increasingly insane.  Not to mention the degree of difficulty is amplified because it’s so bleepin’ slippery.  I am pretty damned sure Mirka never had to endure anything like this…nor would she be capable of a position that Andy calls “The Gimblestob” after the guy who supposedly created it.  I hate to break the news to Andy, but Justin has never actually implemented “The Gimblestob” in real life…I guarantee it.  Ouch!

The other day I told Andy “Absolutely NO!”  to the idea of videotaping taping the “Quest for Triplets” so he could study the tapes and find areas to improve.  I know the tapes would leak out via the internet and the unflattering semi-acrobatic moves required to perform “The Gimblestob” would torpedo my modeling career and surely land me with an open invitation to join Cirque du Soleil or worse, yet, Dancing with the Stars.

Then yesterday Andy asked if Larry Stefanki could watch us tonight and take some notes in lieu of videotaped instruction?  WHAT!!?? My husband has officially lost it in a major league kind of way!  I am glad the prenup is favorable to me, because I honestly do not know how much more I can take.  I miss Andy the gentleman. This bizarre quest to top Roger at something has sucked all the romance out of our relationship.  This is messed up!!

Roger Federer has brought all this upon me.  Each night I now pray to God for Roger to be stricken with severe stomach cramps if Andy gets to face him at the US Open.  Even with that the Swiss bastard would still find a way to win, wouldn’t he?

Doesn’t Andy realize I  have no interest in birthing triplets at this point in my life?    I am in agony.  My life is spinning out of control.  I am scared.  Who would have thought 4 months ago that I would have to replace my lovely silk bedding with custom-made bedsheets comprised of genuine Sham-Wow material?  And what will Andy say and do when he reads this editorial and realizes he never thought to ask me to stop taking the pill?

(This SATIRE was created for the enjoyment of our blog readers and customers.  We hope you read it in the spirit of fun in which it was created.  Obviously the contents are 100% fiction.)

The Sultry Allure of our German tennis strings. (Warning PG-13 Blog Entry Ahead)

Playing with new strings, properly strung, should be a delightful experience for all levels of tennis players.  However, playing with our exclusive offerings from MSV and WeissCANNON takes this to an entirely different level.  In fact, our string offerings are so pleasurable there is only one adjective that could possibly come close to accurately describing them.  That’s right fellow tennis players, we’re going to say it…here it comes…we know you want it…enough teasing…enough heavy breathing…enough foreplay…STRING-GASMIC!™

Yes, you heard it right and you heard it here.  We believe the pleasure you will receive from our playing our exclusive lines of MSV and WeissCANNON strings is the most  string-gasmic™ experience in all of tennis.

Our MSV Focus – Hex® and new MSV EVO Hex are textured for increased stimulation.  Friction enhanced for those who like it rough! Available in thick (1.27mm) and extra thin (1.10mm) versions.

Our new WeissCANNON Turbotwist features spirals and twisting action that is so delightful it will leave you breathless, numb and begging for more.

Few strings are as satisfying as the WeissCANNON Silverstring which is the ultimate aphrodisiac of poly-based strings.  This one is as sure of a thing as it gets!  String-gasm™ guaranteed.

MSV’s new Soft Touch and Soft Control are of a gentle nature, but don’t let that fool you, they are more than capable of generating much more than a tingle or two.  The feel offered by these strings is intense and raw.

MSV’s Focus EVO is a great choice when you are feeling naughty.  It’s exceptionally EVO.

Finally the aptly named WeissCANNON Explosiv! (a premium multifiber string) should come with a warning.  It is intense beyond imagination.  In fact this string is well-know by its users as providing the world’s best multi String-gasmic™ experience…bar none. Be careful with this one, there is clearly potential to terrify the kids and wake the entire neighborhood.

Because of the intensity of pleasure and the vast amount of arousal our string users experience, we can only sell online to those of legal age, 18 and over.  Children, teens and tweens wishing to use these products must have parental approval and definitely need to have had that “birds and bees” talk BEFORE using.

WARNING: The use of MSV and WeissCANNON strings in public is not recommended for those who are overly shy or modest.  You will be smiling ear-to-ear, and quite possibly breathing heavily, moaning and shrieking with delight throughout the match.  In all honesty, the added noise and gyrations do have a tendency to draw a bit of extra attention.  Do you think Sharapova, Azarenka, Seles, Hingis, the Williams sisters and Kournikova were actually grunting?  Heck no, “grunting” is just a euphemism used to describe  mild string-gasms™.  Take note, they are nowhere near the same intensity that users of our strings can experience.

Never had a string-gasm™ before?  Nothing to be embarrassed about, really.  You probably just have not used our strings.  There’s an easy way to rectify that and it will change the way you think about your tennis strings forever!

We sincerely want our string buying customers to experience string-gasms™.  Be loud.  Be proud.  Have a really exceptional one during your next match.   Experience for yourself  just how much fun tennis can be with MSV and WeissCANNON string products providing you with that little extra something-something that other strings simply do not provide.

If you are looking to take it to the next level, how about trying a hybrid setup?  (You have to see where this is leading, don’t you?)  By combining 2 different strings into a single stringbed, users are apt to experience multiple string-gasms™.  Give it a try…you know you want to!

Our string products are available online 24/7.  If you haven’t tried them yet, what are you waiting for?  String virginity is not held in high esteem by any known culture, past or present.  String-gasms™ do not violate any of the Ten Commandments.  This being the case, we suggest you simply go for it with a clear and guilt-free conscience. MSV and WeissCANNON strings are brought to you exclusively  from your friends at  Guts and Glory Tennis.

This post was created for you by the twisted minds at Guts and Glory Tennis where you will always find the world’s best String-gasms!™

MxD Season – some random thoughts to share.

It’s almost here. MxD season is about to begin in Atlanta’s premiere doubles league, ALTA. Many of my like-gender friends do not look forward to MxD, but I do. I may go so far as to say I enjoy it even more than men’s doubles. Why? Well, the food at the matches takes a huge jump in class. In men’s doubles the typical fare consists of beer, Krispy Kreme donuts an occasional banana, beer, perhaps a Kroger sub, beer, potato chips, and more beer. As a non-beer drinker, it is hard to appreciate the featured cuisine item of choice. In MxD we often find tablecloths, centerpieces and themes adorning expertly made main courses in crock pots, home-made baked goods, a wide variety of crackers and cheeses, and an assortment of beverages. Krispy Kremes are not welcome.

The tennis is also of a higher quality than many of my male friends expect. Let’s face it guys, in reality if you are not rated 4.5 or higher, you are a hacker. Women are quite capable of not only hanging with you in doubles, but taking you down hard! The gender difference is not nearly what one would imagine in terms of the overall skill set. In fact, some may argue that the women actually play SMARTER and create victories by allowing the opposing male to self-destruct. Heck there are many men’s matches that I walk away from thinking, I would have won that match easily with my MxD partner.

There is one fairly major difference when playing with the fairer gender, clothing. Generally men do not give two hoots about what they wear to a match, but with some women this is very different. A great deal of thought goes into the entire ensemble. In fact one player on our team calls me when we are scheduled to play together and tells me what colors to wear so we will not clash on the court. Okay, I completely get it that she does not want to be seen with a guy wearing worn out attire with spaghetti sauce stains who is proudly sporting a NASCAR hat, but the whole wardrobe thing puts a tremendous amount of stress on me.

I am the first to admit it. The wardrobe issues are causing me to lose sleep at night. Will my new tennis shirts from TJ Maxx pass the test this season? What will be in style for the women??? EEE GHADSS… I just had a harrowing thought. What if the Bethany Mattek line of apparel is finally in style this season? For those who do not follow the early rounds of tennis, you may have never heard of the quirky American. She is unfortunately more known for her “interesting” attire than her tennis. But what if by some chance the recession has caused women to lose all control of their mental faculties and follow her lead? I personally have no Earthly idea what will match gold lame or a fuschia French baret. Stacey and Clinton, HELP!!!!!!!

Dear Manny…

Dear Manny,

Thank you for taking time to visit our blog site. We understand for the next couple of months you will be seeking some sort of diversion until you can return to the diamond. We have a suggestion for you. Why not join our owner and founder, John, for some tennis doubles action? There is an independent tennis league in the area called T2, which may the perfect way for you to fill your time.

John is in possession of legal prescription steroids for his back ailment (MethylPREDNIsolone) and he also has a a fresh bottle of Prednisone for his dog. We know he will share with you if you care to partake while on the court. To date the T2 tennis league has no silly rules banning substances such as steroids so all will be cool. Heck, if you want to cork your racquet John will help you. It’s perfectly legal here.

We are not sure of your experience level in the sport of tennis, but it won’t matter because John is pretty good and will coach you through the matches. You will of course get all of the “glory” shots and your opponents will come to fear you. With the pair of you on steroids, we suspect you will be fervently blasting winners from all over the court. You will be awesome.

Just a few things to keep in mind…

1. Hitting the ball over the fence on the fly is considered “bad” in tennis, it must first strike the opponents side of court before leaving the yard.
2. High fly balls are actually lobs. They should not be caught. Just smack the living bijeebers out of them making sure they hit the opponents court before becoming souvenirs.
3. No spitting on the court.
4. No cleats.
5. Grabbing crotch…no rule against it, go ahead if you like.
6. Can’t call out “infield fly rule” on high balls.
7. Nobody in tennis bunts, but grunts are commonplace.
8. Not likely to foul anything off your foot in tennis.
9. High scoring games with plenty of opportunities for hits.
10. If you do well in T2 doubles, John may invite you to participate on his ALTA team during your off season.

Manny, c’mon and play. It’s all good. Lots of fun. Plenty of opportunities to smash balls, keeping that hand/eye coordination in tip-top shape. Did we mention that chicks in short skirts are frequently at the courts and they dig burley tennis players? Oh yah, one more thing. Division winners are awarded tennis ball magnets that say “Division Winner.” How awesome would one of those be on that Bentley?

Thank you, Manny, for your consideration. Looking forward to seeing you on the courts real soon!

First again!

Guts and Glory Tennis is thrilled to unveil a new string product that will absolutely revolutionize the entire industry.

For the past 5 years, Dr. Lars Lufferington, a Swedish chemist and engineer, has dedicated his life and family fortune to the pursuit and development of what he proudly calls “the greatest tennis string in the history of the world.” After nearly 3 years of rigorous playtesting and product development, his new company, LUF (pronounced LOOF), is officially launching this revolutionary product through Guts and Glory Tennis who will be the exclusive worldwide distributor for this and all future LUF tennis products.

The string, named APRILIA, is made with a revolutionary process where the finest natural gut fibers are essentially freeze-dried into a powder-like substance. This substance is then incorporated into a highly sophisticated polymer and extruded into ultra fine twisted threads. Over 1080 threads are then bound with a PATENTED thermal conductive molandoscope and coated with a new anthromacite coating which locks in playability allowing ZERO tension loss.

The APRILIA offers the feel, touch and power of natural gut along with the control and awesome spin production of the poly-based strings. In short, Dr. Lufferington, has created a string that offers all the properties of a natural gut/poly-based hybrid in a single string product. Best of all the string does not lose any tension or playability throughout the life of the string.

But wait…there’s more!!! The durability is off-the-charts excellent. In fact it is unconditionally guaranteed to last at least 40 hours of court time for even the biggest hitters. If it fails to perform for at least 40 hours or loses any playability for the life of the string, you can request a 2x your money back as part of the 200% satisfaction guarantee.

The new LUF APRILIA comes in three gauges, 1.29mm, 1.22mm and 1.13mm and will be imaged and available exclusively from the Guts and Glory website in the next 24 hours. We do have a limited supply on hand that we will sell to the first customers who contact us via email today. The product will feature introductory pricing of just $4.10 per 40′ set. Mini – reels will eventually be available and are projected to have an introductory cost of $41.09. We will be taking pre-orders for the mini reels starting today.

Join us in welcoming LUF to tennis and the USA! Be watching this blog and our twitter page for more information.

GOTCHA!!! We had a lot of fun with this posting.  Note it appeared on APRILIA FOOLS day.  Unfortunately the product described is imaginary, but it would indeed be wonderful if such a string did exist.  We hope you had as much fun with this as we did.  Sorry if you truly believed.  We were not sure many would buy the “freeze-dried natural gut powder” bit, but apparently they did.  Too funny.

Celebrity Customers???

This holiday shopping season has generated some interesting orders for Guts and Glory Tennis. We have filled orders for one known celebrity and suspected others. For grins and giggles we thought we would share a list of our suspected and confirmed celebrity clientele.

1. We received an order from an S. Graf using a Las Vegas PO Box for a unique custom made item for a young girl. Hmmm. Not confirmed, but suspected.

2. We filled an order that was going to the Dr. Phil studios in LosAngeles. It is well known that the good doctor is a huge tennis fanatic. Perhaps you will enjoy our Valentine’s 2005 satire piece as much as he did. See Dr. Phil: “Anna Be Mine.”

3. We completed a nice order the other day for Ashley Simpson. Was it the celebrity or not? We are not sure, but for fun we are going to assume it is.

4. We have received multiple orders from a customer who we believe to be Susan Lucci who is located in CA.

Guts and Glory Tennis:  Online shopping source for the Stars!

Rear Ended!

My most sincere apologies go out to two of my favorite local stringing customers, David and Marcia, for they would have won our tennis division and the prestigious bag tag but for my butt.

In Atlanta we are fortunate to have massively large tennis leagues. The largest is an organization known as ALTA, the Atlanta Lawn Tennis Association, with over 85,000 participants. This past winter, I was participating in a MxD league where my team faced off against several of my local stringing customers. (It’s pretty cool to watch doubles matches and know that all four racquets being used were strung by our shop, but that’s another story for another day!)

On-court battles were waged for 7 weeks as 8 teams battled down to the wire for the division title. In the end the final standings found the division champions winning by a single point with David and Marcia’s team coming in second place, while my team was down near the rear. However, I may have unintentionally rumpled some feathers with my performance against the division winners.

It was a cold and blustery day, and one I won’t soon forget. During the second game of the first set I lunged hard for a forehand and ended up on the court in pain as my Gluteus Maximus was stretched to the maximus. Yep, I had literally pulled a butt muscle. The injury was a bum deal as my partner and I, who were undefeated, found ourselves at a severe disadvantage against a team we most likely could have taken down.

I had a haunch that I could continue, so we played on. My mobility was limited and I was unable to push-off on serves and ground strokes. Still, it was only one cheek, so you could say I was literally playing half-ass tennis that day.  (Which is only slightly different than normal, when I figuratively play half-ass tennis.)  Ultimately we would lose in straight sets, 5-7, 4-6. The scores were close enough that we derriere to believe we might have won had my fanny held itself together.

The sad result is that my backside not only gave our opponents the single point they needed to win the division, but it prevented my long-time customers from winning while spoiling my partner’s undefeated season. When the division winner receives their champion bag tags they really do need to give me thanks. In fact I would go so far as to say they should kiss my…gluteus maximus.

Monica Seles: Dancing Queen

Oh Monica…Please, say it isn’t so! I just want to remember you as the brilliant young woman who dominated woman’s tennis and literally changed the sport by blasting two-handed groundies at wicked angles past all comers. You were the first pure power hitter in woman’s tennis. When the going got tough, you coolly responded by hitting harder. On court, you were determined, feerless and fierce! Clearly a pioneer setting the bar high for today’s generation of power players. Had it not been for that nutcase in Germany, you easily could have become the greatest ever.

Now, just days after announcing your official retirement from competitive tennis, you tell us you are going to compete at ballroom dancing? Monica, are you thinking clearly? I do not recall footwork as exactly being your strongest asset. (See above photo) In fact, if there was any weakness in a game that won 9 Grand Slam singles titles, it was your movement. Len, Bruno and Carrie Ann will attack your movement more ferociously than Graf or Sanchez-Vicario ever did. Are you REALLY sure you want to subject yourself to those attacks?

On this stage you will be competing against the likes of gold medalist Kristi Yamaguchi, who in my opinion has a perfect resume for this type of competition. I can completely envision how Kristi’s experience, grace and technical brilliance will translate to the world of dance. Forgive me, but I just don’t know how the audience or judges will react when you begin grunting during the Cha-Cha. You know it is bound to happen. When you compete, the two-toned squeal is inevitable. It can not be helped. And the intensity you show; this will need to be tamed a tad. I honestly don’t think America is going to vote for your competition face, you will need to tone it down a bit.

 

It is my sincere hope you will be able to raise your game in this venue, afterall the dance floor is a hard court, which is one of your best surfaces. However, I must confess to being more than a wee bit skeptical. Honestly, the best chance you have is to draw Julianne Hough as a partner, but that scenario is simply not realistic. (Too bad!)

Still, we all remember when you burst on the tennis scene as teen. You were happy, smiling, giggly and quite endearing. If you can channel that same youthful enthusiasm and get used to high heels, well you might just have a chance. Obviously you are a long-shot, but I’ll be pulling for you Monica and I will secretly be hoping beyond hope that you are the woman who will make two-tone grunting as much of a cultural norm for women in ballroom dancing as you did in tennis. GO MONICA…UnnnnREEEEEEEEE!!!

Full Disclosure (Sorry Mom!)

The Bud Collins Report is scheduled to come out later this year and it will blow the lid off of steroid use in recreational and league tennis. As I sit here preparing this blog entry, I do so with a heavy heart and an extra large box of tissues, for I have learned my name will appear in the report.

First, I wish to offer my most sincere apologies to my current and former tennis teammates, my family, my friends, my customers, my 6th grade earth science teacher, my chisenbop tutor, my high school band director and the defensive football coordinator who attempted to coach my college men’s tennis team. I want those close to me to understand that I never intentionally took performance enhancing drugs to gain a competitive advantage. I would never knowingly take any action that would be considered cheating, but let’s set the record straight. I am guilty of taking steroids. I took them on two occasions.

My first experience with steroids was in high school and it remains a vivid and painful memory. It was suggested to me that steroids would make my allergy shots more effective. I asked for the steroids, and insisted they be administered in the arm instead of the rear. Afterall, I was a man and thought I could take the pain. OUCH!!! I cried like a baby!!! What an incredibly terrible decision. It was the most painful shot I have ever experienced. Never again!

A few years after the shot, I was recruited from the intramural tennis courts to play on the mens college tennis team. Was it raw talent that led me to that point or was it the steroid boost I received a few years earlier? I suppose we will never know the truth. I was, however, dominant in practice earning the #2 singles position and #1 doubles position on the tennis team. Karma unfortunately came and bit me square in the rear as I went my entire junior and senior season without winning a single match against any foe. Oh my…that Karma is one nasty fella.

My second experience with steroids came several years after college when I was playing league tennis in Atlanta. I was suffering from a severe case of poison ivy. I was told that steroids would help lessen the itching. I was desperate and again asked for steroids to be injected into my body. This time I immediately dropped my drawers and insisted it go in the fleshiest part of the rear. It still hurt like the dickens!

Shortly afterward, my ALTA teams went on to win several division titles and city championships. I did notice a performance increase in my game. My serve went from virtually no threat to down right cheesy overnight! (I proudly refer to it as the “Velveeta Serve.”) It hits upwards of 17+ MPH. However, today the guilt I feel from winning after taking the steroids clearly takes the luster off of the trophies and bag tags that adorn my office and tennis bag. I am genuinely remorseful and in the interest of full disclosure want to apologize to my past opponents as well as my future opponents and teammates. It needs to be in the open, I have been on the juice.

I know there will be hundreds of questions and perhaps a media frenzy around this startling revelation. Fear not, I will be holding a press conference when the Bud Collins report is released later this year. I will answer any and all questions to the fullest extent my lawyer allows. I will most likely not be able to comment on my charity doubles match with “The Rocket.” You’ll have to read the congressional hearing transcripts to get that information.

As for me, I just want to put this whole situation behind me, which by the way, is exactly where the shot needs to go if any of you are thinking of adding artificial sweeteners to your game.